Snakes on a Plane

AMERICAN GUY’S “DO AS I SAY, AND YOU'LL ENJOY THIS MOVIE" GUEST REVIEW:

I’ve been trying to get Scribe and Green to review this fine film for some time now. So naturally when they finally got around to it, Green took the initiative to turn the tables on me and asked if I’d like to write a guest review myself. His one condition was that I not take the same approach I did with my review of the Wrath of Khan – where I wrote what I thought was a thorough but succinct review. Fair enough.

Having agreed to take on the challenge, the first thing I did was to ask Italian Girl if she’d like to watch it with me. I told her that there would be no confusing this with a good movie. In fact, having seen it before, I told her it was downright bad. Surprisingly, she chose not to watch it with me. I tell you all this because it’s incredibly important to have the right mindset when you watch this movie.

If you sit down and expect good acting, much of a plot or even believable action sequences, you’re setting yourself up for a big let down. But if you go in ready for Ed Wood level badness, you’ll have 105 minutes of sheer enjoyment.

I mean, come on. It’s Snakes. On a Plane. When I first heard about this film, I had the same reaction that I’m sure nearly everybody had. Best. Title. Ever. And when I heard that Samuel L Jackson was the lead… Oh man. I make no bones about believing him to be just about the finest actor that there is. That he’s incredibly hot doesn’t hurt either. Seriously. If I was straight, I’d turn for him.

I won’t give you an overview of the plot. I don’t need to. The title does that. Aside from a brief set up to give you an excuse to get (to paraphrase the catch line of the movie) the m.f. snakes on the m.f. plane, there’s not a lot to tell. The movie is filled with characters that are caricatures – from the lecherous co-pilot, to the camp male flight attendant to the Paris Hilton clone rich girl with little dog. There are even 2 kids flying unaccompanied who you know from the get-go will be just fine, even if everyone else on the plane dies. I will admit to liking the germophobe rapper and his pair of bodyguards who are fawning to his face but snarky whenever he turns away.

Just in case you forget that this is taking place on a plane, they have an extended sequence showing everyone boarding, and even take you through the entire ‘your exits are here, here and here' routine. And then of course, there are the snakes. It’s only a matter of time before they start creating havoc. Somehow, a snake knew to attack avionics (why is it always avionics? I think there’s a contractual clause somewhere that says every airplane disaster movie has to have someone say “We’ve lost avionics!”). Once the snakes learn that humans taste better than electronic equipment, they start attacking people, including such gratuitous bits as a guy being attacked in the toilets in just the manner you’d expect.

And it goes on. As I said – there was never any chance that this film was going to be tagged “Academy Award Winner…”

After I watched this film when it first came out, I figured there’d be no reason for me to see it again. But since I was challenged to do this write up, I had to download a new version. The funny thing is, it actually helped the experience that the copy I watched was a bootleg complete with people laughing and shouting at the screen. It made it even better.

Oh, and two final words: Snake cam!

***½ out of *****

SCRIBE'S "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER*****IN' SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER****IN' PLANE" REVIEW:

It’s bad enough to happen upon some guy who’s being tortured while you’re on vacation in Hawaii, but when the torturer turns out to be the top Chinese Triad crime boss of LA, you just bought yourself a big heapin’ bag of trouble. Thank God for the timely, life-saving intervention of Samuel L. Jackson or that bag might have opened to reveal a big box of painful demise.

Still, Jackson’s help comes with a price tag. He’s a Federal Marshall and he badly wants you to testify against the most psychotic and dangerous crime boss since Dutch Schultz. You say ok because you’re a good guy and Jackson’s so damn cool, no real man would wish to appear bitch-boy-like before him. Besides, you’re a surfer and surfers always do the right thing. They’re cool like that.

Sadly, the crime boss has spies everywhere, so it takes him no time to find out which flight you’re talking back to LA to testify. He can’t get to you directly thanks to the two federal marshals protecting you (Jackson and his disposable partner of five years) but he has a plan: a twisted, psychotic, improbable plan that will make for some truly cringing, hysterical storytelling, visuals and acting. He’s going to release a multitude of different varieties of snakes, all pumped with pheromones, and take out the entire plane to protect his worthless ass.

And he would’ve got away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling…Jackson….and flight crew.

It sounds dumb, right? Well, it is. Really, really dumb and quite possibly one of the most enjoyable films in a decade. One of the reasons for this is the approach, which is like something out of an Irwin Allen disaster flick with tongue placed so firmly in cheek it adheres to mouth. There are enough likable and disposable characters to make this one a laugh riot in-between screams.

It’s always a good thing when the audience is in on the joke while not walking through the film like giant pieces of ham. Instead, each actor brings just the right amount of funny to their roles and the hilarious dialogue helps them immeasurably.

Reportedly, Jackson signed onto this film script unseen based solely on the title. That just made him even cooler to the cyber-geeks whose bizarre devotion to a movie they hadn’t even seen yet ensured this one’s pop culture relevance. Despite being exactly what one would hope in a movie called “Snakes on a Plane,” it couldn’t possibly live up to the ridiculous hype, so some were disappointed.

Screw em. This movie kicks ass!

***** out of *****

GREEN’S "ALL WE HAVE IS SPORKS!" REVIEW:

Because we were dumb enough to ask for suggestions, I suppose we had this coming. Why can’t people suggest good movies for us to review? Why? Why?

Knowing then, that we were going to have to review this movie at some point, I signed it out of the library and tried watching it a few months ago but had to stop because it was Just. So. Stupid.

Let me tell you that it didn’t get any better this time around. But at least I was able to watch it all the way through. That in itself is a minor miracle.

I won’t go into any plot details either, because there really are none in such a movie as this. Suffice it to say that the characters in this film fit the dead on stereotypes AG describes.

I did have some issues with the movie, not surprisingly. First, the bad guys never saw Sean’s face (Nathan Phillips, the star witness) and he reveals to Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) that he didn’t talk to the media about what he saw, so how do they know what he looks like or where he lives? And if the bad guys didn’t see him, how in the heck does Neville know where he lives? Second, the ultimate solution used for getting rid of the snakes would have likely killed everyone left alive who was on the plane. Lastly, the simple solution to the snake problem is so obvious that if they used it - there would be no movie! Think about it for a sec, ok? Snakes are reptiles. Reptiles are cold blooded. So all you have to do to get them to stop attacking people, is to turn down the temperature in the cabin until they become lethargic. Then you round them up, stick ‘em in a box and BANG! You’re done. End of movie. Have a nice flight. Enjoy your stay in Los Angeles.

Yes, I get it. This is supposed to be a disaster/horror flick where people die in gruesome ways and Sam Jackson saves the day. Still, plausibility is important.

I will say that some of the snake effects were cool and the makeup used to simulate snake bites and the gruesome ways in which the passengers were killed was interesting and well done. The acting in all cases was cheesy and downright bad, even from actors as good as Sam Jackson and Julianna Margulies. The script was hardly original and definitely not a work of art. There are some films that are so bad that they’re good. This isn’t one of them.

This is a movie that I, hopefully, will never have to watch again. I even sold the used copy of this movie that I bought in order to write this review to my nephew for three 20 oz. Mountain Dew Voltage sodas (the blue Dew.) I think I got the better end of that deal.

*½ out of *****